Monday, May 14, 2012

Tina Fey Says It Best!

 Please enjoy one of my favorite prayers for mothers.

“First, Lord: No tattoos.
May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor
Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not
Damaged, for it’s the
Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the

When the Crystal Meth is offered,
May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half
And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her

When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from
Acting but not all the way to
Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes
And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord?
Golf course design?
I’m asking You, because if I knew,
I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the
Drums to the fiery rhythm of her
Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her
Own Arms, so she need
Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a
Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.
Let her draw horses and be interested in
Barbies for much too long,
For childhood is short –
a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day –
And adulthood is long
and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever,
That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers
And the online marketing campaign for
Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a
Bitch in front of Hollister,
Give me the strength, Lord,
to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends,
For I will not have that Shit.
I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day,
be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her,
lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M.,
all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love
with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,”
she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck.
 “My mother did this for me.”
And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation
and she will make a
Mental Note to call me.
And she will forget.
But I’ll know,
because I peeped it with
Your God eyes.”

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