Disclaimer:No Kindergartners were INTENTIONALLY traumatized in the following story that may or may not have happened to me or someone else sometime in the past.
Anyone who has ever attempted to convince one five or six year old to voluntarily leave the playground can appreciate the sometimes monumental task of rounding up twenty or more little wild rascals and getting them all back inside their classrooms. It is not uncommon for this process to send even a veteran teacher into a tizzy.
Imagine with me, a playground teeming with children. Picture these children running around like ants who have discovered a lollipop on the ground. Let's just say for the sake of our discussion that a co-worker who has had to walk a child inside for some reason has asked me someone to bring in her class with mine theirs.
Okay, let's just pretend like this happened to me. Just to, you know, make it easier to tell the story.
As is my usual custom, I blew my whistle while waving my hand back and forth. Turning the volume of my super sized megaphone up all the way I call for my co-worker's children to line up beside my class.
As I headed up toward the front of my line to break up a wrestling match worthy of the WWF I suddenly realized something even worse than a sleeper hold was occurring in Mrs. Co-worker's line.
One of her little girls was pinching the front of her shirt between the fingers of both hands while yelling,
I ain't got no titties, I ain't got no titties!
Whirling around and bending to eye level I confronted her.
Did you just say I ain't got no titties?!?!?!
She froze. And nodded. And carefully let go of her shirt.
Gasp!!!! You did???? Did you really say I ain't got no titties?!?!?!
Again, the nod.
Let's just say I was....appalled.
Lips firmly pressed together in horror I finished herding the last few hold outs into one line or another and marched both lines to the classrooms.
Upon arriving at the large meeting area outside the kindergarten classrooms I invited my little friend to share her information with the paraprofessional that works with Mrs. Co-worker.
Bursting into tears she confessed,
I was dus sayin I ain't got no titties.
Let's just say....that information was not well received.
I got on with the business of teaching a few lessons and was helping the student pack their backpacks with pictures drawn that day, art projects completed and worksheets with smiles on them.
The door to my classroom opened and in marched Mrs. Co-worker
followed by our little friend.
Mrs. Co-worker asked me to tell her about the scene I witnessed on the playground and I did so with all the self righteous indignity I could muster.
And as I relayed my story our precious friend burst into tears.
When I finished repeating her EXACT words one more time her teacher very quietly said,
She says she was saying I got Hello Kitties.
Very slowly, I followed Mrs. Co-workers eyes and
I looked at her shirt.
Of course.
It was a Hello Kitty shirt.
Barely moving my lips I asked,
Ummm, she doesn't have a little speech problem, does she.
Mrs. nodded,
She does.
Nodding back I bent down and asked,
Sweetie, did you say I ain't got no titties or did you say I got Hello Kitties?
Sweetie nodded.
Which one did you say, sweet girl?
Sweet girl shrugged.
After repeating my questions and receiving the same response I looked at her teacher and allowed as to how I had made a terrible mistake.
Lots of kindergartners substitute the t sound for the k sound.
Nodding, Mrs. Co-worker carefully drew a line through the note she had already written in sweet girls agenda and added a note of explanation.
To make a funny story even funnier the note her mom wrote back said, "She usually says boobies at home but when I asked her about this I couldn't tell what she was saying either!"
Thank God for the cool moms....
Just sayin'........
P.S. I apologized profusely to sweet girl and while I feel sure that she has forgiven my poor hearing she continues to look at me out of the corner of her eye. Kinda like you watch the scary crazy person talking to themselves in the Wal-mart.
We sat together at the small round table.
Our heads were close together as we both looked at the work she never finds as engaging as say...
the sound of someone else breathing
or...
the hem of her pants.
I'm gonna help you get finished so you can have some free time, I say in my special-I'm being ever so patient with you-teacher voice.
Nodding, she sticks out her tongue in the position required for hard work.
I watch as she carefully writes letters.
Keep going, don't stop I urge. Pay attention I admonish. Focus on your work, look back at your paper I say in my super fancy slightly high pitched-I'm hanging on to my patience by a thread-teacher voice.
Finally, the last letter is painstakingly written and she looks up at me as I wearily cheer for her.
She gazes into my eyes for several moments and I wait for the heartfelt thanks that must be coming.
Your eyes look red and bad, she says. Maybe you need to get a little sun.
Clunk.
That was the sound of my head hitting the table.
She keeps me humble, that one.
Just sayin'......................
One lesson I have learned while spending most of my time
hanging out with five year olds is that sometimes it is best for
the teacher to face some issues (pun intended) openly and honestly.
Sometimes those who live mostly in the world of adults
and politeness
and good manners
are very surprised at what some of our classroom
discussions might include.
You might be a teacher if
you can say any of the following without flinching.
Everybody passes gas.
Passing gas means......um.......poot.
Yes, lots of people do say fart at home but at school we try to remember to say pass gas.
I did not just say a cuss word I just said an impolite word.
We don't have to scream or act crazy every time someone passes gas.
We are not going to argue about who just passed gas.
We do not yell out DANG! when one of our friends passes gas.
I am NOT laughing because someone passed gas I just have a tickle in my throat.
Please do not say ewwwww and try to change seats with someone else during group time.
Yes, I know something smells bad. Let's keep reading.
And finally, when the situation is unbearable....
Okay, whoever is passing gas needs to go to the restroom.
As a matter of fact, let's all go.
It's a smelly job
But it's still the best job in the world.
Just saying'...........
I have a kindergarten story to share today.
I should warn you that it requires the repitition of
a word some will find offensive.
Just know that the teacher involved was just as
shocked as you will be. Heh!
Our school is blessed with an abundance of children
for whom English is not their native language.
In fact, we have been so blessed for many, many
years now. Make no mistake....I use the word blessed
with absolutely no sarcasm.
We love our ESL babies!
As always, names have been changed to keep me out
of trouble. Smile!
Over time, we all learn to listen with half an ear to our
students as they talk with each other during those activities
that permit a little socialization.
It is amazing what you can learn during these child to child
discussions and we all learn to pick up on certain words.
Some words can give us insight into a student's recent
behavior and other words like, 'Don't tell!' alert us to
impending trouble.
And then there are the notorious Kindergarten
bad words-sometimes called cussin' words.
These words would include
the F word (Fat or Fart),
the D word (Dumb),
the S word (Stupid or Shut-up)
and the ever popular poop and pee.
Occassionaly, a child will utter a real cussin' word and
this was what became apparent one afternoon in a
co-workers classroom.
While working individually with a child, the para-professional
in the classroom realized that one of the ESL kiddos was
vehemently repeating the phrase 'Oh s#*t!' over and over to
his partener in crime.
She sternly marched the offending party to the teacher and
had him confess his sin.
What folows is the conversaiton as re-told to me.
Teacher-Melvin, what did you say?
Melvin-I jus' say oh s#*t.
Teacher-(gasping) Come out here in the hallway with me right now!
Now tell me again what you said.
Melvin-(matter of factly) I jus' say 'oh s#*t'.
While you let this sink in let me explain. We have learned
over the years that our ESL buddies often have no idea that
what they are saying is offensive. We have also found that you
must tell them exactly what it is they said that was unacceptable.
Just trust me. It is waaaay better to be specific.
Back to our story...
Teacher-You can't say 'Oh s#*t!' at school, Melvin.
Melvin-Huh?
Teacher-You can't say 'Oh s#*t!' at school. S#*t is a very bad word
and we never, ever say s#*t at school.
Melvin-Okay.
Teacher-Even if your parents say s#*t or you hear it on t.v. you aren't
allowed to say that word.
Teacher-Why did you say it, anyway? (We always ask this. I don't know why)
Melvin-Weeeeeell, I jus' say to my frien' dat Sponj Bop, he lif in de oh s#*t
wif Patrick. I din know eet was bat.
Teacher-Oh. Ummm. Well, we pronounce that word O-shin. And you can say it that way anytime you want. Now get back to work sweet boy.
Wanna know what the teacher was thinking?
Oh shin! I just taught a five year old how to say Oh s#*t!
Just sayin'.......................................
Today I confiscated a mangled paper clip from one of my students.
As I dramatically implored the precious angels to refrain from twisting all of my paper clips completely out of shape and to place them unharmed on my desk one of my little sweeties said,
“Yeah, cuz they costes alot of money and you don’t have any money!”
They may have heard that very comment some other time.
Possibly uttered by an adult.
Maybe in reference to the excessive use of glue.
Maybe.
Anyway, the others around her nodded with concerned looks on their faces and one little girl piped up with,
“My mama says she doesn’t have enough money.”
I nodded my head and solemnly added,
“I don’t have enough money either.”
We all gazed sadly at each other contemplating our mutually, pitiful financial state and the possibility of life without paperclips.
From the back (where the trouble makers tend to be) came a little voice…..
a little impatient voice.
”Then get a job!”
After I finished laughing I told the students that I DID indeed have a job.
Same location.
Same kid.
Same slightly irritated voice asked
"Then what is it?"
This is the second time this year my students have been shocked to learn that my JOB is to be with them all day!
Earlier this year as we walked out to recess one day I remarked that I just hadn’t wanted to get up out of bed to come to work that day!
You could have heard a pin drop and the entire line came to a halt. They ALL stared at me with confused expressions on their faces and finally one little girl said,
“You have a job?!?!? What is it?"
I don’t get no respect at all…..
Just sayin
Dear Russell Elementary Virus Crud,
You are not welcome here. Please go away!
I shouldn't even be talking to you now.
I am immune to any puny little
grade school virus.
I really don't know how you snuck past
my ninja like immune system.
I find it rude and inconsiderate.
I should have know this morning would end badly
when my sweet faced student told me that she was sick with
'the phlegm'
but she came to school anyway.
The headache you have given me is
way.over.the.top!
And I know headaches!
Last night the throbbing woke me up.
That was totally unnecessary.
I could have been sleeping but NOOOOOO
I had to run through all of my self-diagnosis
procedures to be sure that I hadn't suddenly
developed a brain tumor.
Like any good teacher I tried to work.
I really did. Remember I like those little people
who spend their days with me. I tell my colleagues that
school will go on just fine without them and that
the kids will survive a day or two without us.
But none of us really believe that. We know society as
we know it could easily fall apart if we take a day off.
However, when I realized I was seriously considering
teaching from a prone position on the floor
I thought I'd better consider
alternative plans.
I hate you Crud.
I mean it.
You see, worst of all you attacked the husband.
Now we have to share the sick bed.
And it makes me feel guilty when he
manages to get some stuff done around here
while I just lay around and moan.
Well, not really.
He was in the military. I'm pretty sure they got
some special training for times like this.
I'll bet he has special forces training in
combatting 'the pleghm'.
Just sayin'...............
Soooo, she walked into the classroom this morning ready for picture day. She was dressed in new clothes from head to toe. I knew that because her hoodie had the size sticker placed precariously on her shoulder where she'd forgotten about it after playing with it on the way to school.
She glanced my way several times as she rummaged around in her backpack (also new). Finally finding what she wanted and holding it proudly in her hand she approached me.
Just imagine I am telling you this story in the voice of a typical five year old.
"I bwung da Chef," she said.
"Ummm, what did you say, Sweetie?" I said.
"I bwung da Chef," she repeated patiently.
"Okaaaay," I said. "Why?"
She stared at me blankly.
In retrospect, I realize she just might
have been wondering why she got stuck with the slow teacher.
"I put in my wunchbox," she said.
"Soooo, did you bring that for lunch?" I asked.
(Yes! I know it was a dumb question, but we have a snack time too, people! You wouldn't even believe what they bring for snack time!)
She nodded solemnly. Sigh.
It's tough to be saddled with the slow teacher.
"Does your mom know you brought the Chef to school today?"
"I didn't ask her," she said.
"Honey, you can't have the Chef for lunch. We don't have a way to cook it."
Leveling a flat stare at me (you know the one little kids have when they don't believe a word you are saying) she turned away.
Later on at lunch time she once again pulled out the Chef.
"Baby," I said politely, "What are you doing now?"
"Getting.da.Chef.for.wunch." This said slowly and followed with a silent DUH!
Like a good teacher, I realized that she didn't get it the first time and perhaps it was due to my explanation.
I tried another tack
"Okay, girlie, did you bring your can opener?"
She made the OH NO face and shook her head.
"Then the Chef stays in the classroom." This said with an invisible fist pump given by the teacher. Smile.
Yes, boys and girls, the child had bwung an unopened can of Chef Boyardee SpaghettiOs.
Sometimes you just gotta know how to explain things.
Just sayin'.....................
I once posted that the last three days of school see this post were among the longest I had ever experienced in my life........Yeah, so I'm taking that back.
For the first time EVER in my 20 something career, our students started the school year on a Monday.
I know that starting on a Monday must make sense to the rest of the world and for a small moment I thought that I might like having five consecutive days to work on procedures and rules with the small people I am called to civilize this year.
Five year olds have an impeccable memory if you have promised them ice cream. But their memory is not so good about things like no screaming in the bathroom. I foolishly thought five days without a break might help improve the memories of the little critters.
I would tell you if my hypothesis was proven right or wrong but my feet are screaming so loudly I can't concentrate.
OH! MY! GOODNESS!
When I stand up and try to walk it feels as if my feet are four times their normal size.
They aren't. But they hurt.
Even if my feet weren't hurting, the crushing fatigue I am experiencing has rendered me incapable of any ability to form coherent thoughts.
It could be argued that the younger the child, the more energy required to usher them through the school day.
It could also be argued that the younger the child, the more words required to usher them through the school day.
I have repeated every thing I have said no less than three times. Everything. Three times. At least.
It is becoming so ingrained that this morning when I stopped by McDonald's for a large sweet tea as a reward for living through the year week, the cashier asked me if the three large sweet teas were separate orders or all on the same order.
My co-workers and I are starting a petition to be paid by the word. If it works out I foresee an early retirement and a summer home in Italy.
In five short days I have already heard more OINKs and even said a few OINKs myself. I have also witnessed the creation of new letter names that will astound you.
By the way........I love, love, love my class.
They are quirky and funny and sweet.
Just sayin......................
Well.
The 2010-2011 school year has begun.
We had to attend a county wide opening day meeting.
All I can say about that experience is that
it!
was!
hot!
Oh yes, and
traffic!
was!
insane!
Oh, yes and theme park here in Georgia donated a prize to our county wide teacher of the year.
It was.....wait for it.....a water bottle.
Anything else I say could incriminate me and cause four of our five kids to be forced to miss several meals.
Did I mention it was hot.
Seriously, did they not know that hundreds of big ole grown people were coming today? So many programs were flapping it is a wonder the whole building didn't rise at least a few feet in the air.
I am afraid that I am going to have to tell the parents of my students to send a jacket with their children this SUMMER because the teacher has a malfunctioning inner thermostat.
The heat in Georgia this summer has brought out some of my inner psychotic tendencies.
For example, that person you heard screaming about how her hair WAS! TOUCHING! HER! FACE! That was me.
And the person that screamed the her dogs were TOUCHING! HER! ON! PURPOSE! That was me, too.
Interestingly, one of the fabulous secretaries told me that as she registered another student for my classroom she heard the child say, "Mama, I'm having a hot flash just like Grandma!"
I think the two of us will get along just fine. :)
Just sayin'..........................
The last three days of any school year HAVE to be the longest of the year.
EVERYONE is done for the year…
students and yes,
teachers and administrators.
We are all in that curious state of brain fog brought on
by spring fever and the stresses of testing.
Today I left my house while holding an ice pack to my head.
Starting the fifth day of a migraine found me
a little unsteady on my feet,
feeling sorry for myself and
irrationally angry with the world.
My friend took one look at how I had
accessorized my outfit......
with an ice pack
and groaned.
She knows that bringing an ice pack
to work is not a good sign.
And today I brought three.
I’ve had a demanding class this year and together
we have weathered more than a few upheavals.
Even so,
this particular group of kids has brought me great joy
and has taught me some very important lessons about loving each other
and laughing with each other.
It is amazing how laughing with children
can give teacher and child both a sense of belonging
and can build a family.
I have laughed with them and yes,
I have laughed at them.
You see, they don’t always know when they have said something that
tickles the funny bone of an adult and sometimes an
inappropriate comment from a child who just doesn’t know any better
can make even the most stoic of us hide a smile.
I have enough stories about children and the funny things they say
to fill a book or two.
I teach in a very special school with very special people.
We love, support, pray for and take care of each other.
I have said many times that there must be a sign somewhere
on the busy road near our school that directs the unusual
and even the crazy
our way.
I think crazy happens to us because God
knows that we take care of each other
This is what I love best about our school.
The unusual and the crazy make life interesting!
Things happen here that don’t happen anywhere else
and teaching kindergarten age children only serves to
intensify that phenomena.
Another co-worker who also happens to be a friend recently
coined the acronym-
OinK.
Some things happen Only in Kindergarten.
Some things are said Only in Kindergarten.
Example.
Today in my room we discovered an entire 1 lb package of ham in one student’s cubbie. It had been opened, the ham removed and placed on top of the package.
It apparently had been there since last Thursday.
Four.Hot.Days.Ago.
Of course, it didn’t really look or smell like ham anymore and
in fact it was several different shades of green, yellow and black.
And of course, no one knew how it got there.
So....we did the only thing that made sense.
We went around to the other kindergarten classrooms
and offered to
share our ham
if someone else could provide the bread.........OinK
Later on, I let the children play with some play dough that they were taking home today.
One of my boys decided to make a hat.
He also decided to try it on.
I spent several minutes combing play dough from his hair.
He just wanted to see if his hat would fit…..OinK
This all happened in the first hour of our day.
Stay tuned for more OinK.
It's guaranteed to make you smile...
Just Sayin'............
Reason #1567: They will tell you that you are the best teacher they ever had in their whole entire life.Reason #1568: When you are teaching punctuation and you say something like....What punctuation mark would you write at the end of the sentence-What are we having for lunch-someone will yell "Spaghetti!"
I was assessing children on coin identification for report cards. Most assesments have to be one on one and it drags on forever. I called K up....Me-What's this coin.Her-pennyMe-What's this one?H-dimeMe-this one?Her-nickelMeAnd how about this one?Her-TortureMe-Yes this is torture, but we pronounce it quarter.Later on that day, during a rainy recess time, we were watching a well known animated classic in which a fox and a dog who were once friends get into a fight. All of the children are horror struck. Some have their hands to their mouths, others have covered their eyes. Suddenly above the noise of the fighting animals H yells out 'Jeeezzus Christ!"It's really hard to correct a child for inappropriate comments when you are laughing so hard.Just saying....
Her-annieb, do you see what Johnny is doing?Me-No, what's he doing?Her-Just throwing everybody to the ground.Me-JOHNNY!!!!!Johnny runs up to me.After a long staredown......Me-Johnny...what rule did you break?Him-I said a bad word.Me-Ummmmmm. And just what bad word did you say?Him-Shut up.Another looonnngg stare down.Me-No, that's not the bad word you said is it?Him-Big sigh-Okay, I said bitch.Me-Go to time out, Johnny.
Heard as children burst from church this morning...
Holy crap! It's snowing!
Smile
