Wednesday, April 28, 2010

A Room Called Solitude

It’s nice here in this room by the lake. High up on our hill I gaze at the tops of the trees that fill the backyard. The birds are singing and the tree branches sway in the breeze. A bright red cardinal rides a branch like a surfer on a long board.

I wonder if the cardinal is my mom checking on me but smile as I think that she would never show up as a male cardinal. She knew hundreds of bird species by sight and tried fruitlessly to teach me the difference between a pileated wood pecker and a red-headed woodpecker.

I wonder why watching leaves dance in the wind soothes my soul. The clear blue sky and the spring green leaves somehow ease the sadness that churning inside my chest. Maybe God knew that the colors of the sky and the trees would be a comfort to some of us.

I just don’t feel like talking these days. I have to talk all day at work but as soon as the children no longer surround me I retreat to a quiet place. I am craving solitude. I have always needed time to process my emotions and solitude is the place that allows me focus and clarity.

In that room named solitude I can sort things out. Sadness belongs in the corner and anxiety lies over there. Guilt is in the big, over stuffed box. I am a master at finding guilt to store I frequently try to clean it out but its constant replenishment is my own doing.. It’s full of I wish I hads, why did Is and I should haves. Guilt, my friends, requires a post of it's own.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in the corner with sadness. I have learned that it is best to spend as much time as I need there. If I search through those sad feelings holding them up to the light for closer examination they tend to remain folded away in their box when it comes time to close the lid. If I hurriedly shove sadness into the box, squashing it into the empty spaces, it tends to erupt when I least expect it.

Excuse my silence. My reluctance to talk is how I began to heal. I have been in the room with sadness before. This time it’s just gonna take longer to pack things up.

I miss you Mama.

Just sayin’.


  1. Even though I haven't gone through what you are experiencing now, I understand that solitude you need to sort things out. I wish there was a way to ease the hurt for you. Love and hugs, Cindy

  2. I know I do not know you on a personal level as well as some 'nor have I ever met your mom, but from one mom to another you have given my son a chance that most have not. You love not because you have to, you show extreme patience even when pushed to the brink,you seem incredibly fun and outgoing, you know how to push to bring out the best,while not pushing too hard to cause frustration.. It's your turn to use all the gifts that your mom has instilled in you. I know I may not say it but you have been one of the best blessings my family has had in a long time.. In many ways you have brought us hope, because you are able to reach where sometimes we cannot... I say this not to bring you comfort, even though I hope it does, I say this because its true and you may not get recognized enough for the person that you are.. From what i have read about your mom, it sounds to me there is a lot of her shining in you and that makes me grateful to God for you both. I pray you will find the peace of the Lord that surpasses all understanding during your times in solitude. You are my sister in Christ and the love of the Lord shines in you... When we are hurting as much as you must be i know these words may not be helpful in any way but my heart could not hold them back because I really do care and am here for you.... Love, Bree