Tuesday, April 24, 2012

How To Traumatize a Kindergartener in One Easy Step

Disclaimer:No Kindergartners were INTENTIONALLY traumatized in the following story that may or may not have happened to me or someone else sometime in the past.

Anyone who has ever attempted to convince one five or six year old to voluntarily leave the playground can appreciate the sometimes monumental task of rounding up twenty or more little wild rascals and getting them all back inside their classrooms.  It is not uncommon for this process to send even a veteran teacher into a tizzy.

Imagine with me, a playground teeming with children. Picture these children running around like ants who have discovered a lollipop on the ground. Let's just say for the sake of our discussion that a co-worker who has had to walk a child inside for some reason has asked me someone to bring in her class with mine theirs.

Okay, let's just pretend like this happened to me. Just to, you know, make it easier to tell the story.

As is my usual custom, I blew my whistle while waving my hand back and forth. Turning the volume of my super sized megaphone up all the way I call for my co-worker's children to line up beside my class.

As I headed up toward the front of my line to break up a wrestling match worthy of the WWF I suddenly realized something even worse than a sleeper hold was occurring in Mrs. Co-worker's line.

One of her little girls was pinching the front of her shirt between the fingers of both hands while yelling,

I ain't got no titties, I ain't got no titties!

Whirling around and bending to eye level I confronted her.

Did you just say I ain't got no titties?!?!?!

She froze. And nodded. And carefully let go of her shirt.

Gasp!!!!  You did???? Did you really say I ain't got no titties?!?!?!

Again, the nod.

Let's just say I was....appalled.

Lips firmly pressed together in horror I finished herding the last few hold outs into one line or another and marched both lines to the classrooms.

Upon arriving at the large meeting area outside the kindergarten classrooms I invited my little friend to share her information with the paraprofessional that works with Mrs. Co-worker.

Bursting into tears she confessed,

I was dus sayin I ain't got no titties.

Let's just say....that information was not well received.

I got on with the business of teaching a few lessons and was helping the student pack their backpacks with pictures drawn that day, art projects completed and worksheets with smiles on them.

The door to my classroom opened and in marched Mrs. Co-worker
followed by our little friend.

Mrs. Co-worker asked me to tell her about the scene I witnessed on the playground and I did so with all the self righteous indignity I could muster.

And as I relayed my story our precious friend burst into tears.

When I finished repeating her EXACT words one more time her teacher very quietly said,

She says she was saying I got Hello Kitties.

Very slowly, I followed Mrs. Co-workers eyes and

I looked at her shirt.

Of course.

It was a Hello Kitty shirt.

Barely moving my lips I asked,

Ummm, she doesn't have a little speech problem, does she.

Mrs. nodded,
She does.

Nodding back I bent down and asked,

Sweetie, did you say I ain't got no titties or did you say I got Hello Kitties?

Sweetie nodded.

Which one did you say, sweet girl?

Sweet girl shrugged.

After repeating my questions and receiving the same response I looked at her teacher and allowed as to how I had made a terrible mistake.

Lots of kindergartners substitute the t sound for the k sound.

Nodding, Mrs. Co-worker carefully drew a line through the note she had already written in sweet girls agenda and added a note of explanation.

To make a funny story even funnier the note her mom wrote back said, "She usually says boobies at home but when I asked her about this I couldn't tell what she was saying either!"

Thank God for the cool moms....

Just sayin'........

P.S. I apologized profusely to sweet girl and while I feel sure that she has forgiven my poor hearing she continues to look at me out of the corner of her eye. Kinda like you watch the scary crazy person talking to themselves in the Wal-mart.


  1. Great story..brought back a memory when I was in Kindergarten my teacher was working with glue..I said "phew that stinks" she said "what did you say?" She was so mad I was scared to death...she kept asking me what I said...I couldn't talk I was so scared...she put me in the corner and would come back every so often and ask what I said...I couldn't talk...Then the popular girl sneaked over to me and said "Tell her you can't remember" so the next time the teacher came back...I said "I can't remember" and she released me from the corner...that was 48 years ago...and to this day I don't know why she was so mad...but I knew for sure I wasn't going to tell her again since saying it the first time made her so mad lol

    1. It was probably the word 'stinks' that she found so offensive. 48 years ago the bad words were so different weren't they? One thing I love about kindergarten is that dumb is still the D word and stupid is still the S word.

  2. That is hilarious. :)

    I am blog hopping from Kelly's Korner. I'm from South Georgia as well but farther south. I'm in Cairo (about an hour south of Albany).

    1. Welcome to Just Sayin'! I've been to Cairo a time or two with a friend from college.